Recently I had my first gyno visit. Actually I joined my wife on her first visit after finding out she was knocked-up with my love seed. I wouldn't say I was thrilled to join her on this visit but I was told that perhaps they might preform an ultrasound and I was more than curious to actually see how the whole thing worked.

While we are waiting for our appointment to begin I started looking around the room for some common ground with the other patients. Again, this was my first visit, a newbie to be exact, and I had no idea what to expect. First off, I was the only male in the room. I wanted to grab my wife and start yelling "Why am I here? Why are there no other dudes here?" but I kept cool by fidgeting in my chair like an addict waiting for his next fix. Second thing I noticed was that there were no guy magazines in this place. They must have spent a fortune on magazine subscriptions and they couldn't afford a single copy of Sport Illustrated, US News, Time Magazine. Every mag had a baby on it's cover. What am I suppose to do with that? I would have been happy with Britney and her kids on the cover of People at this point. So I pulled out my phone and started playing games that came pre-installed. Once I started getting comfortable with my new surroundings I hear my wife's name called. Come on lady, I winning here and now you want me to stop.

We follow the office assistant back to what looks like an examine room but in all actuality it's another waiting room. Again no guy magazines and my wife looks at me like we should be "connecting" as I fidget in my chair. About 10 minutes go by and we are finally escorted again to what now seems to be the docs real office. Again we wait. Tick-tock-tick-tock.

As you can tell by now we did a lot of waiting and I did more than my share of fidgeting but finally the doc has graced us with his appearance. To keep it short I'll call him Dr. Z. From what I can tell Dr. Z has done my wife's entire family. There are 5 girls in her family and it seems that they all have gone to the stirrups with him. It almost seems like a family reunion. How's sister so-so and how about sister you-know -who? Me, I'm looking over Dr. Z's shoulder at his iMac wondering what operating system he is running. After the small talk ends, Dr. Z announces that it is time to begin the examination. Examination? I thought we/I was only here to see how an ultrasound was done and now my wife is going to be poked and proded like cattle. Why do I have to be here is screaming at full volume in my head.

In the examine room my wife is given a washcloth to change in to. Nothing is left to the imagination with this thing. Dr. Z casually instructs my wife to spread eagle and ease her body back as he awaits her arrival with milky white latex gloves on. Perv! Unfamiliar with proper etiquette while the doc fingers the ole lady I nervously look away and start contemplating actually picking up the baby magazine lying on a nearby counter. Fortunately I'm saved as one of his nurses enters with some contraption that I immediately believe to be the ultrasound machine. COOL! I'm instructed that I'm going to have to move position to make room for the machine on wheels.

Once everything is plugged in and at full charge Dr. Z grabs what appears to be a metal wan that looks very similar to what Harry Potter might carry to cast magical spells. What is he going to do with that? Oh no he didn't, oh yup he did. It disappears into you know where. Now call me stupid but I thought ultrasound where done when they rub some kind of gel on the woman's stomach and move a computer like mouse over it. But this is easily forgotten when black/white images start appearing on the monitor. Basically they are taking pictures of our baby through my wife's V. Of course I'm looking for a penis throughout the whole process but I'm informed promptly that this won't appear until the 20th week. Wait a second, I have to come back?

And boy does it! This was the gift I received on Valentine’s Day from my wife. Actually, the “pee-stick” came wrapped in a white tissue in a Hallmark gift bag. I knew we were trying to have one ever since I started noticing the prenatal vitamins on our bathroom countertop and my wife nonchalantly announcing that she was no longer taking her birth control.

From what I recall we were not exchanging presents on this Valentine’s Day. This came straight from my wife’s mouth a week or so from the actually day. I readily agreed and started spouting out comments on how VD was created by the card and candy companies to increase yearly profits and how we shouldn’t have to profess our unwavering love with gifts/presents. I was really patting myself on the back for being one smart fella for marrying a woman who didn’t believe in VD.

Valentine’s Day started like any other day: I got up, I went to work, I came home, I took the Murphy (our perfect dog and first child) for walk, and I went to the gym. I was now ready to relax and enjoy an evening on the couch with some food and prime-time TV with the ole lady.  As I’m enjoying the first tidbits of my show my wife announces that she decided to get me a VD gift. I automatically go in to defense mode (--- DEFCON 5 ---) and reply with something like, “Woman, we agreed that we were not giving gifts this year…it was your idea!!!!” As she is approaching me with gift bag in hand she replies that it was last minute and that she couldn’t help herself. I start thinking perhaps this isn’t so terrible and maybe she bought me a new Xbox game. As I “now” eagerly pillage through the bag looking for my new video game I suddenly realize that maybe I’m not getting a game due to the fact that my hand comes into contact with something that feels more like a pen than a game. As I pull it out and unwrap it I find myself pausing and gazing upon an unknown object much like early man first discovering the black monolith in Stanley Kubrick’s 2001 Space Odyssey. As I examine this foreign object I come to realize that what I’m holding is a “pee-stick” that is indicating that it’s pregnant. Not the stick dumb ass, but my wife. I cautiously look up towards my wife not knowing what to expect but what I see is the biggest perm-a-grin that I’ve ever seen on this lovely woman I happily call my wife and soon to be mom. She responds to my stunned look by softly saying, "Holy shit, can you believe it?"