The hubby and I just survived more than a week of what the news stations refer to as "Arctic Blast 2008" in the Seattle area. No more frigid were the streets than were our sheets. After having Babe Wonder two months ago, I was finally ready to cozy up to the hubby and being snowed in for more than a week certainly afforded us plenty of opportunity to fool around...until I invited our neighbors over for cocktails.

Rewind...a few weeks ago, in a time period known as pre-Arctic Blast, we went to a Dirty Santa party, at which my friends play the typical anonymous gift exchange. There are some really hilarious interpretations of "dirty" every year, I've decided next year I will bring two ornamental Christmas tree balls...blue ones to be exact. In any case, I gifted what was left of our condom supply as part of the "Manscaping" kit I added to the exchange. 

A few days after the Dirty Santa party, Arctic Blast hits us with our pants down...literally. Being snowed in with an infant had cemented the hubby's plan to wait a few years before considering a second child. So while his mind was on family planning, my mind drifted toward finding a fun way to spend the time together. At first I was able to convince the hubby that breastfeeding is natures birth control, and I won't get pregnant. That excuse seemed to work, though he was doubtful. My big mistake was inviting a few neighbors over for cocktails on day 4 of being snowed in. As the group of us were chatting, one of the ladies shared a story about her friend who got pregnant with her 2nd child while she was breastfeeding her 1st...who was 2 months old.

The hubby shot me a dirty look from across the room. And it wasn't a Dirty Santa kind of look either.

While my wife was pregnant I probably said more than a few things that should have put me in the dog house. Some comments were made in good natured humor while others were made because I probably didn't know better and/or I didn't think/clarify my thoughts before I spoke.  I'll let you decide.

• I hear you can burn more calories if you nurse (spreading my pillar of knowledge)
• What are you crying about now? (I was genuinely concerned)
• Wow, look how skinny Heidi Klum is after having 2 babies! (we were watch Project Runway together )
• How come you always wear sweats now? (just curious)
• We weigh the same now. (stating a fact)
• My mom never gained over 20lbs when she was pregnant.  (that what my mom said)
• What do you do all day when I'm at work? (just asking)

Men, beware of the dog house:

I received an email today from my sister-in-law with the subject line: Life boils down to 2 questions.  Of course I was intrigued by this (just as you are now) and opened the email with great anticipation. But in this case images speaks more than a 1000 words. Pretty simple if you ask me after glimpsing the following images. It's almost a guarantee that one would wind up in prison after dealing with the little culprits.

Should we get a dog?

Should we have children?

The funny thing is, we originally got a dog first as a trial run before granting the ole wife permission to have a child. Actually the dog and child were both her idea. Good job honey, we/you did good.

Since the Babe Wonder arrived 6 weeks ago, I've noticed I've become ultra sensitive to loud noises, the volume of the tv in particular. Poor hubby may look into getting a miracle ear so he can follow along whilst we watch the drama unfold on the Housewives of Orange County (sorry to sell you out babe, I'm sure there are at least 3 other men who watch that show).

Maybe my sensitive sensory is a hint of the mommy superpowers that befit the women who balance family, friends, career, health and hobbies. I'm looking forward to finding the right pair of electric blue knee high boots ala Wonder Woman so I can dress the part.

Oh yes, a new addition to my New Mommy compilation of 80's tunes, its "Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins. Seems as if this is my 6 week old son's mantra. He wants to be held from 5pm until we get him down for the "night" which is 4 hours of my eyes rolling into the back of my head whilst the young prince sleeps.

All you mommies out there, do the lyrics below evoke fond memories of spending hours, during what were your quite evenings with your husband, bouncing the babe feverishly on the yoga ball or papoosing them to your chest with one of your myriad of baby slings in a desperate attempt to quell their cries?

I think going forward I'll give the gift of song at baby showers and download the collection of 80's tunes whose lyrics are in fact art mimicking the life of a new mom. I always did like making mixed tapes in junior high.

My mom came up for a visit this week, so for the last few days I've shared a good deal of personal space with her as we coo over my adorable 5 week old baby in unison. I'm not all that close with my mom, so this would be a bit of a Hallmark moment in our relationship except for the fact that something crawled into her mouth and died. Actually its not just something, to be more precise I think it’s a moth ball militia, or my cousin Mike's pet hermit crab circa 1981.

Yesterday we took the Wonder Babe to his pediatrician for a check up and before going into her office, I handed mom an altoid, then insisted she take two, and then in the lobby of the doctors office, I was overcome with diarrhea of the mouth and told her she has halitosis. No sooner did the words escape me, did the nurse call us back to the exam room.  Mom, ever the chatty Kathy, took my observation in stride and in her lame effort not to further offend, she chatted up the pediatrician by talking out the side of her mouth, which didn't change the smell of her breath, it just made her look like she was a stroke victim with halitosis.

Poor mom, she really is the nicest lady but I couldn't take it anymore and I just didn't have the ability to hold back, so when we got back into my car to head home, I suggested she see her dentist when she got back to Portland. She countered with the idea to buy a bottle of chlorophyll capsules, as she had heard these would help. We stopped by a vitamin and supplement store, she bought some chlorophyll and now every couple hours, she walks up to me, heaves a big dragon breath into my face and asks if the remedy is working. My only reply is "you should really make an appointment with your dentist, maybe there is a prescription they can give you."

A good lesson for me to keep my mouth shut next time, lest I am willing to become my moms testing ground for whether or not her breath smells like a vinegar bottle rocket exploded in granny's attic.

We are  one month into parenthood and the score is: Us: 1; Nursery Furnishings: 0

The babe peed through his diaper, clothes, sheet and mattress pad yesterday. I laundered the aforementioned (bedding, not child) and tried to put the bedding back on the mattress tonight. I must have looked like I was wrestling a crock while doing so. I couldn't get the mattress out of the crib so that could get the mattress pad and sheet over the corners...the culprit was the crib bumper, it basically was taunting me. I could almost hear it daring me to just try to change the bedding without having to untie about 20 ties that affix the bumper to the crib rails..just try.

Well, neener, neener on you stupid bumper, I finally got around you and managed to tug, pull and cajole the mattress out from under your wrath. You are decorative and are a cornerstone to the adorable matching bedding ensemble that anchors the whole nursery decor, but you are no friend of mine and I have my eye on you. You are one step from becoming dog bed stuffing...and Murph the Wonder Dog likes to dry hump his bed, so you best mind yourself.

I don't get all this outrage against the new Motrin ad campaign by mothers who think it is demeaning that they might possibly have neck or get back pain from carrying their infant in a sling/wrap/etc.... What is so offensive about the ad? Hint: stop taking yourself so serious. I think I might boycott Motrin just for pulling the ad after the recent uproar. I can be stupid too!

An angry bored mother

Funny

A family vacation almost turns deadly when a 3 year old slips through a cliff rail during a family photograph at a state park. Watch video.

Oprah is now offering her viewers, for a limited time (ends Nov 14), free 20 page 8 1/2 x 11 photo book. It is a promotion that HP & Snapfish are doing with Oprah. You can upload up tp 20 photos and get a book of your children's artwork, family vacations or just something for yourself. To learn how visit, http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20081029_tows_messyhouse/7